i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
