I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
