hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
