I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Two words: blizzard sex
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
