im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
