We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
