i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
