Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
