i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
