Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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