During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
