i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
