3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
