my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
