I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
