i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
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