8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
