He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
