So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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