she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just found a bag of teeth...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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