Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
