We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
