Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
