i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
