I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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