I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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