Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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