Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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