Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
