you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
