she woke up with a sticky ear
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
