did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
