just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
True strength comes from lack of pants
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
