Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
