Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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