I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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