Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
