I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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