all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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