I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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