you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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