So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
