I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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