Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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