On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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