After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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