i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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