dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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