I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
