I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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