I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
