so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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