We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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