im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
