It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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