Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
